I Often Wonder..

Landon is fifteen months old, and in a few days, Sydni will turn three months old. It seems like time is going by fast, yet so slow at the same time. Have you ever had moments or periods like that? Where part of you wishes time would just SLOW down and then the other part of you is like “It’s been ONLY ___ months?!”

 

I am so proud of my children, both of them. One of the best parts of being a mother is watching your children grow into THEIR own little person – and I love watching that with Landon and Sydni. It gets rough – especially with Jerry’s schedule now a days. I’m exhausted – all of the time, however I am pretty sure the main cause of my exhaustion is linked to an underlying thyroid or adrenal gland issue. Landon is NEVER still (not that I really mind it – he is a hilarious little boy!), so I am constantly running behind him throughout the days.. and then, Sydni LOVES to “talk”. I call it talking. She gets this big ‘ol grin on her face and she just smiles and babbles.

 

I often wonder what our lives would be like if my mother was here with us. I very seldom talk about it, but it is a thought that crosses my mind every day, like clock work. I love my life.. I love my children.. I love my husband, my family… and I am so thankful for the blessings GOD has bestowed upon my family. However.. there’s an empty hole in my heart… a longing that will always be there until the day I die, I believe..

 

I miss my mother.

 

I look at Landon, and I look at Sydni.. and I can’t help but wonder how different things would be if she were here with us. Would she be proud of the woman and mother I have become? How much more would Landon and Sydni be spoiled? Would certain things be happening amongst my mother’s side of the family if she were here?

The last time I ever saw my mother was the day before she died. Jerry and I had come to my parents’ house to visit – like we did every Sunday. My mother had only been out of the hospital for six days at the time (she had Acute Kidney Injury… they believe it was from a number of things…). At the time, I was nine weeks pregnant. We’d been scared we were looking at yet another miscarriage (the third), but the Friday before we’d received a very hopeful call stating my levels had tripled – leading us and the doctor to believe that everything was fine. In fact, that Monday I was scheduled for an ultrasound.

 

While Dad and Jerry were outside together, I was in the bedroom with mom.. talking.. and just enjoying each other’s presence. We were going over baby names – and the woman absolutely REFUSED to pick a boy name – she stated “My grandchild is a girl, and that’s that.” (Boy, I know she’s eating her words RIGHT now as we speak in Heaven. I know she would love Landon to pieces – despite him being a boy (: )

 

Honestly, that is where we came up with Sydni’s name. My mom picked out one name that day – and she said that would be her granddaughters name and that her granddaughter was not to be named anything else.

Sydni Grace.

Shortly after she picked the girls name out, she became very tired, and she apologized for being so tired. I remember telling her “It’s alright momma, I know you’re still weak and Jerry understands too. We love you very much and we’re glad you’re home. I’ll let you get some rest and I’ll come by tomorrow after you get off work. I love you.”

 

The next day… is when my world, quite frankly, fell apart. First – it was the doctors appointment that morning for the ultrasound.

No heartbeat. No baby. Just pieces.

I had miscarried – for the third time.

A few hours later.. after I had just gotten home from my grandmother’s… I received the phone call about my mom. (By mistake, actually. The aunt who called me had been instructed to call Jerry first by my dad…)

That whole day is burned into my mind… That conversation is burned into my mind…

“Shelby, where are you at?” My aunt asked

“I just walked got home from Nanny’s, why? What’s wrong?” I figured something was up with my cousin, her daughter, who was in the hospital in Charleston.

“You need to get dressed and come back out here. Hurry, but be careful.”

And as soon as she said that, I heard my father in the background saying “You were supposed to call Jerry!”

I cannot explain how low my heart sunk. My aunt was calling me – and I could hear my father – which meant my aunt was obviously at my parents’ house… but where was my mother? That feeling.. is a feeling I will never forget… And I began to demand answers.

“What’s wrong?!”

And after several attempts to dodge the question… she finally answered…

“Its your mom.”

I quickly hung up.. and I began to call Jerry on his work phone. I cannot tell you how fast I was calling, hanging up once it got to voicemail, re-dialing. I think I called him 20 times total. (Of course, I wasn’t exactly letting all of my attempts go to voicemail..)

He finally answered. I wasn’t exactly nice.. but mind you, I wasn’t exactly in my right mind either…

“Where are you?” I remember I demanded at the time

“I’m on a call, why?”

“You need to come home. RIGHT NOW. We’ve got to go to Pelion. RIGHT NOW. Something is wrong with mom!”

“It’s going to take me twenty minutes and I’ll be there at the house.” He responded, not exactly knowing what was going on

“Well, that’s going to be too late – I’ll already be out to Pelion by then!” I screamed. I cannot tell you how bad my head was rushing. I cannot even begin to fathom HOW in the world I got out of my pajamas and into blue jeans and a tanktop and sandals so fast. And if I had to guess? When I jumped into my Mitsubishi Gallant and pulled out of my driveway..I was going at least 60.. (infront of a City of Columbia Cop, mind you…….but I did have my flashers on and it was an emergency…)

I fully intended jumping on the interstate and pushing my Gallant as hard and as fast as it would go to get me to my mom. I fully intended getting to my mother at the house. But then.. reason came over. I turned down one of the backroads that would take me to either the interstate or to Jerry’s workplace.. and I ran a stopsign.. if the person hadn’t been paying attention, it would have been a VERY nasty and horrible wreck. And with reasoning, I decided to go to Jerry’s workplace instead. However.. when I pulled into the lot.. his wrecker was nowhere insight. I was angry. Just as I began to call his phone, he was calling me.

“WHERE ARE YOU?!” I demanded

“I’m at the house. Where are you? Pull over, I’ll come get you.”

“I’m at City Garage. GET HERE. NOW!!”

At the time, we lived 10-15 minutes from his job, depending on the pattern of the traffic lights you went through. He got there in 3 minutes. He barely stopped the wrecker before he jumped out of it and turned it off.. and I began yelling at him instantly

“You need to get in the car RIGHT NOW and GET ME TO MY MOTHER!!!”

He didn’t react. At all.

That was my first clue that people were NOT telling me everything. People were not telling me just HOW bad it was.

 

It’s like it was a dream – really. The ride to the hospital. We beat the ambulance by 20 minutes.. Jerry kept asking me how we’d know it was them, and I told him to just look for the line of pick up trucks behind the ambulance.. and sure enough.. there were 10-12 trucks following a particular ambulance, my daddy’s ford f-150 right behind it.. with everyone behind him.

 

It was a dream. My father breaking down in the parking lot when it took them five minutes before they took my mother out of the ambulance. My uncles having to hold my father back before the security guards cuffed him because he wanted to be with my mom and they kept saying no one could be with her until she was “stabilized”

It was a dream – the whole family being in the waiting room..just waiting for news…

I walked outside to make phone calls to the family members who weren’t there.

My great Aunt.

My oldest sister.

My brother.

My dad’s sister.

Jerry stayed outside with me through the phone calls.. and then we walked back in..

 

Well.. we got in that hallway to go to the side we were supposed to be on.. we had issues opening the door. I caught a glimpse of my cousin Shannon and her daughter, and I signaled them. After I signaled them, I noticed… their eyes were puffy and red. I, with hope, figured they were crying out of happiness of good news..

 

“Did the come say anything about mom?”

 

And then the words coming out of five and a half year old’s mouth shattered me.

“She died.”

She didn’t know better – she was only five at the time. She didn’t know exactly what that meant. I don’t really remember too much.. but I do remember screaming at the top of my lungs.. and collapsing all the way to the floor. As soon as Madison began to say the word “died” my legs turned into jello. For six months after my mother’s death.. I always believed that Jerry and Shannon were the ones who pulled me off the floor…

Instead, it was my grandmother. My (at the time) 78 year old Grandmother pulled me off the floor by herself after she found out her daughter was dead.

 

I have never truly gotten over my mother’s death – and honestly, I do not believe I ever will. I think about her, every day.. when I look into my children’s eyes, I think about her. I think about how hard it has been doing this without my mother by my side.. I am VERY grateful for my grandmother – and I am so thankful for my husband.. Between them, Shannon and Toot, and my father, I have a great support system. However.. even with my support system… I still could use my mother. You only have one mother in this world – and NO ONE will ever replace that mother. I often wonder how much she would love the children – I wonder if she’d rock them both in the same rocking chair she would rock me in that my dad got her when she became pregnant with me.. I wonder if I’d be a better mother.. a better person…

 

Something’s you will never know. And as much as we may hate it, certain events just.. get burned into our minds..and sometimes, those events stay on replay. I often get so upset at night when I’m thinking about things, I have to remember to step back. And if I can’t calm my emotions down MYSELF.. I pray. I pray to GOD and I ask him to give me some sort of peace. I ask him for forgiveness for wondering what life would be like. I ask him to forgive me for being selfish for wanting my mother back here on earth with me when he obviously needed her more than we did. I ask him to please calm my soul.

 

Obviously.. today/tonight has been one of those times where I just really miss my mom =/

 

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2 thoughts on “I Often Wonder..

  1. I am crying right now as I read this… I know that no words are enough. But I also know that your mom is looking down on you from heaven, and she is oh-so-proud of you. And I know that she would be proud of the mom that you have become.
    Sending hugs and lots of love!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Nicole for the sweet and kind words! It’s just been one of those weeks, honestly. It’s hard for me to talk about her around here, and last night were just one of those nights when I really needed to “talk”

      Sending hugs and love towards your way as well!

      Like

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